


Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend

by notaverse



Series: Transjinder [1]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Multi, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-24 04:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/259267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaverse/pseuds/notaverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's nowt so queer as folk, especially when those folk happen to be in the entertainment industry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend  
>  **Fandom:** KAT-TUN  
>  **Pairing:** There isn't one, really, but Kame and Jin are the main characters in this.  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Genre:** Angst, kind of AU  
>  **Disclaimer:** Not mine, damnit  
>  threewalls left the following prompt on Katy's LJ: Jin in feminine garb (always a girl AU, Jin likes cross-dressing, or is trans/genderqueer are all interesting options). Gender issues are near and dear to my heart, so I took the idea and ran with it. Whether or not I ran too far, you'll have to decide for yourselves.

When episode three of _Yuukan Club_ airs, Jin gets all of KAT-TUN together to watch it so they can enjoy the spectacle of Junno in a wedding dress - or so Kame assumes, anyway, given Jin's frequent comments on the subject.

When episode eight airs, with both Jin and Junno in drag, Jin doesn't mention it at all. It's Junno who gets them together to watch, in order to have everyone admire his convincing turn as a blonde bombshell. Everyone else watches the screen but Kame watches Jin, who squirms uneasily on Ueda's couch and refuses to look at himself in his padded dress and long brown wig.

"You're not as convincing as you used to be," Koki says to Jin when the episode finishes. "And maybe you'd do you but I wouldn't. My standards must be higher."

Kame thinks this is pretty rich coming from a guy who dates AV actresses, but keeps quiet. He's more interested in Jin's reaction. Jin deflects the attention by bringing up the excruciating subject of Nakamaru in drag, which sets them all laughing and turns the topic away from himself.

Since returning from America Jin's been more self-conscious, easily embarrassed by some of the more outrageous things he has to do for his career. Kame wonders if that's it, if dressing up as a girl is something Jin had hoped to consign to his past and bury deep enough that he could forget about it. There probably isn't a guy in the agency who's never done it and it doesn't bother Kame. If Kimura Takuya can do it, _he_ can do it. He is, after all, an entertainer.

But Jin doesn't like to think of himself as an idol.

Kame decides to test his theory one afternoon when Jin comes over to discuss lyrics with him. He's not very good with computers but Koki has shown him the joys of YouTube and the wealth of incriminating material to be found there - some of it with English subtitles, no less - and he's got a bunch of choice clips in his favourites.

On the pretext of looking up a song he says Jin ought to listen to he clicks on one of their old _Shounen Club_ skits, with himself as a doctor and Jin as a nurse. Jin's wearing a long, dark blonde wig and a pink uniform and despite the fact that he seems like he'd be the most unreliable nurse ever (unless he worked in pediatrics) Kame's doctor likes to hit on him.

"Remember this one?" Kame says with a smile. "Dresses used to look better on you before your shoulders got so broad."

He expects Jin to say something sarcastic, or maybe bat him across the back of the head, but he doesn't expect him to look so blatantly uncomfortable. Jin's colour is high, except where he's biting his lower lip so hard it's turning white, and he's got a vice-like grip on his left wrist.

Kame takes pity on him and closes the tab. (The skit didn't end that well anyway.) Jin releases a long, slow breath, but the tension in the room doesn't decrease one bit.

"It's just a stupid skit," Kame says. "We've all had to do stuff like that. It's no big deal."

Jin shakes his head. "I still wish I'd never done it."

"Worried your American friends will find these old clips and realise you made a pretty girl? Jin, the entertainment industry has a long and glorious tradition of drag, even in the West. People win Oscars for playing the opposite gender, even. It's work for them and it's work for you." He turns away from his laptop to look Jin straight in the eye. "If your friends care about you at all, they'll understand that. We all have to do embarrassing stuff for work but that's all it is - work. You don't need to be ashamed of doing your job."

"It's not that," Jin says quietly, but he won't elaborate no matter how hard Kame presses.

The subject of cross-dressing doesn't rear its head again until KAT-TUN are discussing the tour for their third album, _Queen of Pirates_.

"The rest of us had to dress up as schoolgirls in concert last year," Ueda informs Jin. "You got to skip that, which is why I think you should be our pirate queen this year."

"Look at it as a promotion," Junno suggests.

"'Akanishi Jin: Queen of Pirates' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Koki says. "You can order people to walk the plank and everything."

"You'll have to wear a lot of leather, velvet and lace," Kame says, "but you'll get to carry a cutlass."

"How is that any different from our usual costumes?" Jin asks.

"It'll be a dress, for one thing." Nakamaru does a quick sketch of what the costume might look like; Koki picks up a pencil and increases the amount of bling. When Kame pulls a pen from his bag Nakamaru waves him away and adds, "Too many cooks, and all that."

There's not much Kame could add to the costume, which is gaudier than anything they've ever worn before - not so much 'pirate queen' as 'space alien princess'. Jin's face says he'd sooner walk the plank himself than go anywhere near it.

When Koki declares the masterpiece finished and holds it up for them to admire, Jin stares at the floor like he's waiting for it to open up and swallow him.

"We should get this made," Koki says. "The fans would love it. We could have a whole skit at the concerts about how this band of really cool pirates kidnapped a princess and turned her into their pirate queen."

"I'm not doing it," Jin says, still staring at the floor. "Find yourself another queen."

When Jin puts his foot down about something there's usually no budging him, not if he's decided to sulk. Kame heads off the fight by saying, "That costume looks like it would eat up our entire budget anyway," and that gets them talking about how many lasers they can use before they run out of money.

\-----

After that, Kame finds himself noticing all sorts of little things. Like the way Jin flinches when Koki flips through his AnAn shoot and says it's a good thing he hadn't shaved that day or it would've looked like two girls together - not that he would've minded, he adds.

Or the time Jin gets caught by paparazzi at the airport and hides from the cameras because he isn't wearing any make-up. He gets teased about that for days.

When Jin starts doing his own shows, first as a member of KAT-TUN and then, after the agency's announcement, as a solo artist, Kame can't help but notice the difference in his concert gear. There might be a few sparkles on his jacket, and the dancers wear strange, glittery costumes in Jin's futuristic creation, but for the most part the outrageous costumes are gone, replaced by baggy jeans, black fedoras and plain T-shirts. Kame sits in on a dress rehearsal or two, since he knows he'll create unwanted commotion if he turns up for the actual shows, so he watches Jin dance his heart out in clothes in which he feels comfortable. It's the performances rather than the outfits that catch Kame's attention and he's sure that's the plan. No more ruffles, chains and random dead animal accessories - just Jin.

They don't get to speak as often as they used to now that they don't work together and before Kame knows it, Jin's released his first solo single. 'Eternal' is a beautiful song, befitting Jin's official debut as a soloist...but the PV seems somewhat plain. Kame appreciates that there's a limit to what Jin can do by himself, and really, the song doesn't need any ornamentation, but if he wants to watch Jin hide away in his hoodie he can do that without switching on his TV.

In the week after the release, they meet up one night to watch DVDs at Jin's place so Kame can practise his English with the aid of subtitled American movies. They stock up at the conbini first and Kame hears the usual 'click' that means someone's tried to catch a cellphone pic of them. The agency will quash it later - unless it serves their purposes.

Kame finds himself tuning out during the movie but snaps back to attention when one of the male cops dresses up as a woman to ensnare a crook. It's not so much the screen that has him riveted as Jin's face, which is slowly turning red. It's a comedy, which means the disguise isn't terribly convincing and when the cop begins to speak in a simpering falsetto Jin grabs the remote and forwards past the scene.

"I didn't think he was any good either," Kame says. "I could do much better. Even you could."

"I don't want to do better." Jin hits 'stop' instead of 'play'. "I'm not really enjoying the movie; can we try something else?"

Kame's still curious, and more interested in finding out what's going on than exploring the contents of Jin's DVD collection. "Forget the movie. Do you want to tell me what's going on with you? I know you don't like it, but-"

"It's...um..." Jin fidgets with the cuffs of his oversized sweatshirt. "It's not that I don't like it."

"Then... _oh_." Kame hopes he's not misinterpreting the situation or this is one friendship that's going to sour very quickly. "Jin, being in Johnny's messes with your head, you know that. We've got obsessive compulsives, kleptomaniacs, nymphomaniacs, egomaniacs, depressives, manic depressives, and more eating disorders than we know what to do with. We've got guys who've spent half their lives cuddling up to other guys and come out of it wondering if maybe the universe is trying to tell them something." Including Kame himself, but this isn't the time to be admitting that. "We're working in an industry where we get paid to be pretty, to pluck our eyebrows and wear make-up and dress flamboyantly. It's a miracle we're not all in therapy."

Jin progresses from fidgeting with his cuffs to hugging one of the couch cushions and Kame wonders if perhaps he's said the wrong thing. " _Are_ you in therapy?"

"I'm not in therapy." Jin sighs and squeezes the cushion tighter. "That would involve talking to people."

"Do you...do you want to talk about it? To me? Because ever since you came back from America the first time- oh!" Kame thinks he's hit on something. They've never really talked much about why Jin went, but any idiot could've seen he was stressed out and in dire need of a change of scene. Kame had assumed it had all been down to the pressure and the chaos of their debut, something he'd understood only too well, but he'd had neither the time nor the energy to spare to help. "What happened in LA?"

"I...uh..."

Kame can see how difficult it is for Jin to talk about this but he has no idea what he can say to encourage him, so he waits patiently for Jin to organise his thoughts.

Eventually, Jin says, "When I was there, I figured it was a chance to see what it was like, not having to dress up all the time. To see if I still wanted to."

"In ruffles?"

"Not in ruffles." Jin is very firm about this. "Just...you know. Looking...nice."

"As opposed to the unshaven, baggy jeans, hood hiding your face look?"

"We all have our bad days, Kame."

"And did you still want to dress up?" Kame says carefully.

Jin nods, looking thoroughly abashed. "Not in cocktail dresses and stuff, but things like..."

"Like?"

"Like you wear, sometimes."

Kame freely admits he owns girls' clothing, or things that are unisex at best, but he doesn't really care because he likes what looks nice, or what's comfortable, regardless of which gender it was intended for. But then, he's much more comfortable in his own skin than he used to be, and the odd bout of girly behaviour doesn't bother him because he's secure in his own masculinity. Jin seems to be going in the other direction, dressing more masculine but acting more feminine, though some of that appears to be down to how much his shyness has come to the fore over the past few years.

"If you want to borrow anything from my wardrobe, feel free, but I'll be keeping track."

The reminder of Jin's tendency to borrow things and "forget" to return them makes him smile, finally, and that makes Kame relax too. Perhaps this won't be so awkward after all.

"For me it's not 'dressing up'," Kame says. "I wear whatever I feel like. But some days I just roll around in my underwear, don't bother to shave, and forget that I have this whole other existence that requires me to look good."

"Some days I do that too. And then other days, I'll put on lipstick and stare at myself in the mirror for hours."

"You ever go out like that?"

Jin stares at him like he's just suggested throwing himself out of an aeroplane without a parachute. "And let people _see_ me?"

"If you did yourself up properly you could be pretty convincing," Kame says, and he should know. "Not like on television. Besides, you've already got the behaviour down."

He's trying to be helpful - complimentary even - but this doesn't appear to register with Jin, who merely looks upset. "It's that obvious?"

Kame shrugs. "Sometimes, yeah. But it's not your fault you've got such dainty ankles." Jin lets go of the pillow long enough to hit him with it so he adds, "We're all guilty of the same thing. You work in this industry long enough you start to pick things up without realising it. I can go from baseball player to schoolgirl without batting an eyelid."

"But it's just work for you, right? It doesn't affect you."

"I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all," Kame admits, "but it doesn't change who I am.

"Lots of guys like to wear women's clothing, Jin. You'd be amazed at all the emails I get about it to my radio show - not that I'm allowed to answer them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just one aspect of your personality, that's all. I'll take you to some of the clubs I go to, sometime. Trust me, no one will even look twice if you show up in heels and a miniskirt."

Intrigue flashes across Jin's face for a second but he doesn't follow it up, and Kame doesn't feel like elaborating on how his own nightlife differs from Jin's. He doesn't go out nearly as much, and when he does it's to rather more exclusive places where no one gives a damn about the gender of their dance partner, but he doesn't think Jin's ready to make his debut in heels.

"It's...um...it's not just the clothing." Jin's speaking so quietly Kame can barely hear him, but when the words reach his brain he realises he's probably out of his depth. Still, Jin doesn't have any other options, so he steels himself to listen and to do what he can to understand.

"It's okay," he murmurs, trying his best to be reassuring. He's been told on many occasions he's basically useless when it comes to offering comfort but Jin's known him long enough to read between the lines.

"It's not okay! I'm a guy, Kame. I have guy parts-"

Kame holds up his hands. "You don't have to prove it to me; I've seen them, thank you."

"-and I like girls. I like girls a lot. And they like me."

"As a sister?"

Jin glares at him. "I've never asked. But I'm not picky about my friends' genders, Kame. If we get along, if I trust them, that's good enough for me."

It's true enough that Jin doesn't discriminate by gender, as Kame's had many opportunities to notice over the years. Many of his friends are foreign now, or only half-Japanese, and he treats them all the same. It's only if there's a girl he particularly likes he'll act different around her, treat her like she's more than just 'one of the gang'. Exactly what Jin's role in that gang is, Kame's not sure.

He attempts to lighten the situation with humour. "Wait till Koki finds out you're a lesbian. He'll be thrilled."

"If Koki finds out anything I'll kill you," Jin says. "I'm not telling anyone else. I can't. I don't even know why I'm telling you, except that now I've started I can't stop and I have to tell _someone_ because I want to hear that I'm not crazy."

Kame hates the desperation in Jin's voice. Humour doesn't work so he tries touch instead, gingerly resting a hand on Jin's forearm. "You're definitely not crazy. If you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Jin tenses but doesn't pull away. "If I were completely sane, I wouldn't be feeling this way."

"There's a difference between being crazy and being confused." Kame's no therapist but he knows that much. "So how do you feel? Like you're actually a girl?"

"I've never been a girl, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like. But I've been a guy all my life and I don't think I'm supposed to be feeling some of this." Jin leans back on the couch, letting his chin tilt up so he's speaking to the ceiling. "I tried to look it up on the Internet for a while but Japan's hardly the best country in the world to be different, and some of the English articles confused me. It's not like I could've asked my friends to translate.

"It's not all the time. I don't want to have surgery, or take hormones, or do anything like that."

"Then what _do_ you want?"

"To figure myself out, I guess."

"You should sue the agency for making you always be the girl in skits and use the money to pay for therapy," Kame says with a grin.

"That'd kill my career quicker than walking out the front door dressed as a cocktail waitress."

"Okay, forget the therapy and talk to Kamenselor Kazuya instead. I don't charge."

"As long as I don't have to call your radio show and announce to the world that I kind of like it when my friends...um..."

"Treat you like a girl?" Kame says helpfully.

"That sounds so weird!"

"It's true, though. People have always taken care of you, one way or another. I might've been the youngest but you were always the one who got sick, or got to skip out on things simply because he didn't want to do them. Your crew do it too. Everyone's overprotective."

"So I'm either everyone's kid or everyone's girlfriend. Great."

"Look on the bright side: you're popular, and not because you have a pretty smile and dainty ankles. Which you are far too proud of for a guy, by the way."

"They're my best feature," Jin sulks. "But it's not just the way they treat me nicer. It's like I want to be with girls _as_ a girl."

Kame starts to wonder if Tegoshi might be a better person to speak to about this. "Buy your next girlfriend a strap-on?" he suggests. "Or try guys?"

"I'm not..." Jin trails off; Kame can practically see the wheels turning in his mind.

When it's obvious he has no clue how to deal with this sudden twist in the conversation, Kame tries an admission of his own. "It took me a long time to figure out it's not as simple as black or white, Jin. Everyone has traits you can class as typically masculine or feminine, and most people are a mix. How well that mix fits with your biological gender, and how comfortable you are with that, is up to you to decide. No one can tell you it's wrong. The important thing is that you're able to accept it so you don't let it stress you out. Life's too short to waste it worrying over whether or not it's too girly to paint your nails.

"And sexuality's something different altogether. Well, not different, exactly. Linked, but separate. You can't decide who you're attracted to based on your own gender - life doesn't work that way."

Jin gives him a searching gaze, one that says he's listening to everything that Kame's _not_ saying. They've known each other too long for him to do otherwise. This isn't the time for Kame to share his own secrets, though. He doesn't want to confuse the issue. Jin has to figure himself out first, work out who he is and how he wants to interact with people, how he wants them to see him, till he reaches a place where he's comfortable with himself.

That, Kame knows from experience, can take a long time.

"I've watched you fret over this for years," he says. "Isn't it time you did something about it?"

"How do you mean?" Jin says warily.

"I mean, let's play it out a little. What are you doing Friday night?"

"I have the feeling you're about to tell me."

That's a good sign, Kame thinks. "If you're not busy, let's go for a meal. You dress up as much as you're comfortable with and I'll find us a restaurant where we're not likely to have any problems."

"But-"

"It's not like we don't go out to dinner from time to time anyway. This'll just be the next time, that's all." He can't tell if Jin's uneasiness is from the thought of going out in female attire or the prospect of a dinner date with a guy, so he adds, "It's not like it's a date. I mean, it might look like one to someone else, but it's just two friends having a meal together."

It takes another five minutes of persuasion before Kame manages to talk Jin into it, but he comes around in the end - on the condition that Kame pays for the meal.

\-----

Friday night finds Kame outside Jin's apartment, having driven over to spare them the potential awkwardness of public transport. He'd agonised for an hour over whether or not to get into character by bringing flowers, but decided in the end that it might just make things more difficult. He's in the unusual position of not only participating in the meal but orchestrating it as well, and that's more than enough pressure to deal with.

Jin answers the door in a bathrobe, hair just about dry from the shower. He's obviously not ready to go out.

"You're not wimping out on me, are you?" Kame says.

"You're early," Jin grumbles. "Go watch TV or something."

Kame's not that early but it's not a normal night, either; rather than settle down in front of the TV he follows Jin into his bedroom to inspect his wardrobe choices. He's not sure what to expect, how far Jin wants to take this, but he's prepared for anything up to IKKO-level.

No skirts, no dresses. Jin's outfit turns out to be on the conservative side: stonewashed jeans tight enough to cling in all the right places; brown suede ankle boots; a short white T-shirt covered in sparkly purple hearts and a long black cardigan that hits him mid-thigh. He's not wearing any earrings but there's a silver chain around his neck, and his short dark hair fluffs out despite his best efforts to flatten it.

"You look nice," Kame says. "Is that my cardigan?"

"I think I stole it from Ueda, actually."

There's a nervous strain in Jin's voice so Kame offers to help him with his make-up. There's not much they don't know about it by now.

Again, Jin goes for the subtle approach. Eyeliner and mascara's no more than he normally has to wear for photoshoots anyway, and the smudges of lilac eyeshadow are a faint addition. He frowns over the lipstick, though.

"You wore more lipstick when you were playing Hayato," Kame points out. "It looks fine, trust me. You'll never pass as a girl except from a distance, though."

"I don't want to pass."

"Fine by me. Where we're going, no one will care. Ready?"

"No."

"Too bad." Kame takes out his car keys, which makes Jin burst out laughing.

"Why are _you_ the one carrying a handbag?"

"One word about my Louis Vuitton and you're walking home from the restaurant," Kame warns. "And I prefer to think of it as a 'manbag'."

Jin's wise enough to drop the subject. It's not that late - only nine - but it's dark and the weather's still pretty cold. He wraps himself up in a black leather coat marginally longer than the cardigan, adding a scarf and gloves for good measure. He forgoes the hat after Kame points out that everyone in Japan can recognise him when he's wearing one.

Kame himself hasn't bothered with a disguise, on the grounds that then he'll look like he's trying to hide. (Besides, even an idol's got to eat.) He's wearing dark blue jeans, a black shirt over a white T-shirt, and boots not dissimilar to Jin's. Tonight he's not idol!Kamenashi, merely regular guy!Kamenashi, on a mission to help his friend embrace his feminine side. If dinner doesn't help, he figures the next step is accessory shopping.

They drive to Shinjuku and park down a dimly-lit side street, in the sort of area where Kame would think twice about going if he hadn't been there before. He reaches for his door handle.

Jin doesn't.

"Door's unlocked," Kame says. "Or would you like me to be gallant and open it for you?"

"Just...just give me a minute, okay?"

"The owner's a friend of mine," Kame says, trying to reassure him before a minute turns into an hour. "The worst he - or anyone else in there - will do is insult your choice of lipstick colour. You might find yourself getting offers of a manicure from the waitresses, half of whom were originally men, but if you want one you're paying for it yourself."

"That's not the point," Jin says tightly. Kame can't see him well in the poor lighting but his darkened eyes seem enormous in his pale face.

"Jin, I know you feel like you're doing something crazy here but the truth is, you don't look that different. Very pretty, but not outrageous. You look like..." Kame fishes around for a suitable analogy. "Like me on _Shounen Club_. No one's going to know what you're up to unless you tell them. If anyone asks you can say we're being filmed for a TV show, or you lost a bet, or something."

That seems to help. Jin takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay. Ready."

Kame opts to play the gentleman anyway and goes around to Jin's side to open the door for him. He draws the line at offering him a hand out and Jin doesn't wait for one, practically bolting for the restaurant door the second he emerges from the car.

Inside they're met by Rika-chan - formerly Riku-kun - who shows them to Kame's requested table, tucked away in a quiet corner where they can't be seen from outside. Kame leaves the choice of seats up to Jin; unsurprisingly, he chooses to sit with his back to the other patrons.

Not that anyone in there is interested in giving them a second glance. Their nearest neighbours are a pair of guys who seem completely wrapped up in each other - though one of them has a suspiciously well-padded chest for a guy, and Kame doesn't think it's due to spending time at the gym. The lights are bright enough to read the menu but not enough to reveal the diners' hidden secrets; it's the perfect place for Jin to take his first tentative steps.

Jin's not even looking at the other occupants of the restaurant - he's staring down at his menu, shoulders drawn and hair falling in his eyes.

"The chicken katsudon's really good here," Kame says. "I think I'm going to order the set. See anything you like?"

"Anything I can eat really quickly so we can get out of here," Jin mumbles. "I feel like a goldfish in a bowl."

"Then we'll stop by the pet store and get you some fish flakes afterwards."

A dumb crack it may be but at least it gets Jin to look up from his menu. "Sorry. I'm just so used to looking over my shoulder for cameras, or turning round to find some girl sneaking pics on her phone."

"They get thrown out if they try that here. Relax. Have a drink, if it helps."

"I think it might." Jin starts to look behind him, then turns back in alarm. "There's someone coming over!"

Kame rolls his eyes. "That's our waitress. Do you know what you want yet?"

They both opt for the chicken katsudon set. Jin clings to his beer like a drowning man to a life preserver while Kame, as the driver, sticks to water. As much as he'd like something stronger, he really doesn't want to leave his car here overnight. There's no way Jin will set foot on the trains, and getting a taxi these days can be a little...hit and miss.

Jin fidgets with his hot towel while they wait for their food, folding and unfolding it over and over again till Kame wants to take it away from him. At least he's not staring at the menu anymore.

"We should go do purikura after this," Kame says, just to tease him. "You look too cute not to."

If looks could kill, Kame would be pushing up daisies now. "My boots are pointier than yours," Jin says icily. "Don't make me kick you."

Kame peeks under the table at Jin's crossed legs. The boots are, indeed, quite lethal-looking.

When the food arrives Jin still won't look at the waitress and they get halfway through the meal before Kame realises why.

"You can ask, you know," he says.

Jin gives him an awkward, guilt-laden smile. "Is...was our waitress a guy?"

"Physically, yeah, up until about a year ago. But the only reason I know that is that she told me when she had the surgery."

"I couldn't tell," Jin says sadly.

Kame thinks that if this were a real date, now would be the time to reach across the table and take the hand of the person sitting opposite. But because it isn't, and because it's Jin, of all people, who really doesn't need anything else confusing him at this point, he rejects the idea.

"From what you've said, I don't think that's the right path for you. Riku's situation was...well, he'd known since he was a kid that he should've been Rika. He'd lived pretty much his entire life as a girl, as far as he could, and he's much happier now his inside and his outside match."

"I'm not interested in becoming a girl." Jin drains his small bowl of miso soup. "It's not that I'm unhappy as a guy."

"I'm sure your fans would be relieved to hear that."

"My fans aren't going to hear anything about this. Ever."

"I promise not to mention it on my radio show," Kame says. "I'll just say I spent my evening with Princess Vivi."

"What?"

Kame chuckles to himself and pulls out a copy of _MORE_ from his bag. He turns to the interview and hands it to Jin. "Here."

Jin gets so absorbed in the magazine that he forgets to eat for a few minutes. Kame can tell when he reaches the important part because he drops his chopsticks.

"You compared me to a princess?"

"While talking about how the bonds between the six of us will never change even though one of our number has left the ship," Kame says. "I thought the pirate analogy was perfect for KAT-TUN."

"But you compared me to a princess!"

"If the tiara fits..."

Jin is slightly mollified when Kame lets him steal the last piece of chicken from his bowl. "You've ruined _One Piece_ for me forever."

"It could be worse," Kame says. "I could've said we made you walk the plank and now you're doomed to languish at the bottom of the ocean for the rest of your career."

"That's no way to describe America!"

This leads them into a discussion on the US, during which Jin talks about his experiences on tour in different cities and Kame keeps his secret envy to himself, hoping that one day he'll get to have those experiences too. He's heard good things about San Francisco. Jin describes everything with the wide eyes and open heart of a man falling in love for the first time and it takes them both far away from the restaurant, to a place where they alone speak the language and every day seems like a dream.

They talk between bites until there's no food left and Jin's anxieties have long since faded. He can talk for hours when he's comfortable; Kame hopes this is a sign that he's feeling less self-conscious about his attire - or better yet, has forgotten it completely.

This appears to be the case until Jin pauses mid-sentence, slowly turning around to look at the two male-female couples who now occupy the table nearest them. It's the loud English conversation that's caught his ear; all four diners are clearly foreign - most likely tourists, Kame thinks - and have stopped in for a meal without knowing anything about the restaurant.

Or maybe they're curious. One of the men gives Jin an appraising glance and smiles, and Kame's heart sinks because now Jin's clamming up, abandoning his story about being on MTV in New York.

"And after they picked you up from your hotel?" Kame prompts.

Jin shakes his head. "I'll tell you some other time."

Kame wonders if the couples are saying anything about them. His English is light years behind Jin's as it is, and he's sitting further away. "I don't know if they're talking about you but-"

"They are," Jin says tightly. "And you. One of the women made a comment about how pretty Japanese guys are and pointed to us. Then her boyfriend joked about trading her in for me."

And like that, the whole evening's been shot to pieces. Kame sighs and pulls out his bag. "Here. The bathroom's on the left."

Jin peers inside. "Eye make-up remover?"

"And other stuff too. There's a plain T-shirt underneath. I thought you might need it."

"So that's why you're carrying this thing around." Jin closes the bag and hands it back. "Thanks, but there's no point. We've finished eating anyway; we might as well go."

Maybe the evening hasn't been a complete waste after all. Kame feels sort of proud when, as they walk up to the front to pay, Jin stops at the offending table and tells them, with his American English, that it's rude to talk about people behind their backs. The image of their stunned faces stays with him all the way back to the car.

\-----

Kame's used to doing things by himself. When he has a problem he deals with it alone, not wanting to bother anyone unless he absolutely has to. He's grateful for everything he receives yet prides himself on being self-sufficient. But sometimes he encounters insurmountable walls, and that's when he has to look outside himself for answers.

The problem is, he's not sure what the questions are.

The Internet isn't much help. Kame can't find anything that fits Jin's particular situation, which he's not sure how to classify in the first place, and while he has a number of friends who might be able to advise he's not sure it's a good idea to broach the subject with anyone else. They'll just have to deal with it themselves.

So he thinks about it for a while, considers the best way to make Jin feel comfortable dressing in something a little less masculine in public. In a country where some of the best-known musicians have taken to the stage in a dress and enough make-up to sink a battleship, surely Jin won't have any problems if he decides to experiment a bit?

"You already wore a shiny jacket in your shows," Kame says when they're over at his place, raiding his wardrobe for things Jin might want to borrow. "All you need to do is introduce things a little bit at a time, and everyone will get used to it."

"Fangirls, yes. My friends...not so much."

"Tell them you're trying to emulate the Rolling Stones. I bet no one ever made fun of Keith Richards for wearing make-up.""

"I doubt they ever told him he looked cute, either," Jin says, setting aside a black T-shirt with a winged skull on the front. "And I get that all the time."

"You can't borrow that T-shirt; you'll never manage to get it on over your ego."

Jin smirks and adds another shirt to the pile. He's not even picking out particularly girly ones, just ones he likes. Kame thinks he's like a magpie sometimes, swooping down on whatever catches his eye, whether it's a shiny silver necklace or the latest Apple gadget.

But he's relaxed, and that's the important thing, because Kame's about to suggest something he's not going to like.

"Have you thought at all about what you want to do next?"

"Maybe grab some coffee on my way home? I'm running low-"

"Not like that," Kame says. Jin can be exasperating sometimes. "I think it's time you went out on the town. It's been a week since we went for dinner - now you have to be more ambitious."

"Ambitious?" Jin sits down on the bed, visibly ill-at-ease. "Do I even want to know what you're planning?"

"I doubt it," Kame says cheerfully. "You're free Tuesday afternoon, right?"

"I don't have work, but-"

"Then you're free." Kame doesn't mention that he's had to rearrange his own Tuesday schedule to match. "We're going to the movies. Do you want me to do your nails?"

"No, I do not want you to do my nails!" Jin splutters. "And you'd better be talking about some one-screen, nearly derelict old cinema in the middle of nowhere."

"Nope. Roppongi Hills."

"Couldn't you have picked somewhere a little further out of my neighbourhood? Like in Mexico?"

"I've got it all figured out." Kame's feeling rather proud of himself. "We can still drive, don't worry. Middle of the afternoon, not such a crowd, and you'll be sitting in the dark for most of the time anyway. The important thing isn't that people see you, but that you're there with them. We can even go see _Ashita no Joe_ if you like."

"I'm not going to watch my best friend half-naked while I'm wearing make-up, Kame!"

Kame admits that might not be such a hot idea. "I'm sure we can find something to watch. The movie's not important, anyway."

Jin's competitive nature won't let him back down from a challenge so Kame taunts him into agreeing to go, promising to take the same supplies with just in case. This time Jin insists on adding giant sunglasses and a baseball cap to the "anti-fabulous" kit. Kame thinks he's going to need a bigger manbag.

Tuesday afternoon rolls around and once again, Kame arrives early. Jin answers the door shirtless, having been interrupted in the middle of changing; Kame's amused to see what he's wearing on his lower half.

"Leggings?"

"Don't tell Ueda," Jin says. "I don't even know why I own these."

"At least you have nice legs," Kame says. "It must be all that soccer."

Jin ends up in black leggings, knee-high black boots, a long-sleeved white shirt and purple vest; the combination makes him look like he's auditioning for _Pirates of the Caribbean_.

"You're no Johnny Depp," Kame says, "but you'll do."

In keeping with the pirate spirit Jin wears his kneeling naked lady in his ear and lets Kame overdo his make-up, on the grounds that if he's going to look like a drama student he might as well go all out. Kame debates going home to get his _Queen of Pirates_ tour T-shirt, just for the occasion, but figures that's hardly going to be inconspicuous.

"I'm going to stand out a mile, aren't I?" Jin says miserably after staring at himself in the mirror for five minutes.

"You did kind of overshoot 'hippie chick' and go straight into 'militant Shakespeare enthusiast'," Kame admits. "Got any love beads?"

Jin doesn't, but they decide the outfit is fine as it is - looks fairly striking, in fact, especially with a long dark coat. Kame wonders at how Jin suddenly does a complete one-eighty about it, until he realises that it looks like cosplay. There's something to be said for plausible deniability.

Fortunately for Jin it's raining heavily when they step outside, so he hides himself under an umbrella from the car park to the cinema. Kame would hold the umbrella, in keeping with his part, but he's shorter by a few inches so it makes sense for Jin to hold it instead.

When they reach the foyer Jin slips the sodden umbrella into a clear plastic sleeve and looks nervously around the room. People stand in small clusters, talking amongst themselves or queuing for tickets and concessions. No one's looking at the two young men dripping by the doors.

"It helps if you breathe occasionally," Kame says, nudging Jin with his elbow to remind him to stop holding his breath. "Keeps your body functioning, and all that."

"Let's just get tickets so we can go hide ourselves away before I see someone I know."

"We're not going to- hey!"

Kame suddenly finds himself being pushed through the door of the men's room by an extremely shaken Jin. Fortunately there are no other occupants.

"Give me the bag," Jin demands. "I'm calling this one off."

"What happened?" Kame says, confused by the way he's been bundled out of sight without so much as a word of warning.

"Yamapi's out there."

"His movie posters are everywhere right now-"

"No, I mean he's out there in the flesh. I know my best friend, Kame. And...I think he saw me too. I'm not walking out of here looking like a pirate queen."

"This might be a good opportunity to tackle the subject with him," Kame says gently. "You'll have to say something eventually."

"I _can't_. I could maybe explain the outfit - the make-up, even. But not the other stuff." Jin groans, sounding utterly wretched. "I don't know how."

"You managed to tell me."

"But you see things differently! Pi's got all these ideas about how a man should be."

"So do you, and look how that turned out," Kame says with a wry smile. "He's your best friend, Jin. He loves you. He's not going to throw away all those years of friendship because you've got a little more going on than he realised."

But Jin remains adamant and disappears into a cubicle with Kame's bag. Kame sighs and leans against the wall to wait for him. Maybe he should've found a cinema in the middle of nowhere after all.

The door swings open. Yamapi enters, dripping water from his jacket all over the floor. He seems surprised to see Kame but greets him politely, because he's always polite, and professional, and hardworking, and all the things the press don't generally tend to assume about Jin's circle of friends. Kame knows different.

"Is Jin here with you?" Yamapi asks when they're done with the obligatory chit-chat. "I thought I saw him in the foyer a minute ago."

Kame waves his hand towards the occupied cubicle. "Yeah, but he's not feeling so good; I think we're going to head home. How about you? Taking yourself out for a movie?"

"Not exactly. Ryo just mailed me to say he can't make it this afternoon after all, so I guess _Gantz_ will have to wait for another day."

"That's what we were going to see," Jin says as he emerges from the cubicle. "Might as well go together."

They hadn't actually decided what they were going to see, so this comes as a surprise to Kame, but what's even more surprising is that Jin hasn't changed at all. Kame can see a minute smudge by his lips, where he's obviously rubbed off and then reapplied his lipstick, but that's it.

Yamapi doesn't so much as blink. "Did you come straight from work?"

For an idol, that's the ultimate excuse for any amount of outlandish garb. Kame expects Jin to take the easy way out and say 'yes' but he doesn't, though he doesn't explain either and Yamapi doesn't ask, merely enquires if Jin's feeling better now.

"Better than I was." Jin returns Kame's bag. "I don't think I'll be needing this today."

If not for the fact that they're in the men's room and such a gesture could easily be misinterpreted, Kame would hug him out of sheer pride.

They haven't been out together, the three of them, for quite some time. It's not as awkward as it could be, under the circumstances, but even when Kame and Yamapi go out alone Jin's still with them in spirit, colouring their interactions with each other whether they like it or not. It's fitting, then, that he sits in the middle, a tub of popcorn perched on his knee and the umbrella tucked away under his seat. They're in the back row, at the end nearest the door in case anything crops up - namely, random photographers. Even without taking Jin's situation into account the sight of the three of them together is still fodder for gossip magazines.

Jin's face is shuttered tight until he realises that no one is paying any attention to them; everyone is too busy trying to find their own seats before the lights go out, which is due to happen any minute now.

"I'll have to mention the movie in my j-web," Yamapi says. "I hope it's good."

"I'll mention it in my next manual and the fangirls can have a field day trying to work out if we saw it together," Kame says.

"I can't mention it at all." Jin heaves an exaggerated sigh, lamenting his inability to communicate with his fans. "I'll just have to write a song about the film and let that express my feelings to the world."

They kill time until the trailers start by singing movie reviews to the tune of senpai songs; Kame is in the middle of an elaborate critique of Tim Burton's _Alice in Wonderland_ (to the tune of SMAP's 'Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana') when the lights switch off and much to his regret, it's time to stop playing around.

He spends most of the movie wondering if Nino had to have his costume painted on. It's not really his kind of thing but it's not Jin's either - it's neither foreign nor by one of his indie film-making friends - and it doesn't surprise him too much when he notices Jin's painted eyelids fluttering closed. Yamapi has already stolen the popcorn tub so there's no danger in Jin catching a nap.

At least, not until he slumps down in his seat and leans far enough to the side to rest his head against Kame's shoulder. Kame's not sure if the movement's unconscious or not but they've always had each other to lean on, one way or another, and it's the most natural thing in the world to slip an arm around his shoulders to keep him in place.

After the movie Jin's still half-asleep, not quite with it, which is something of a blessing because it stops him fretting about being seen. Kame offers Yamapi a lift home, which he accepts, and they drop Jin off first.

The rain wakes him up and they watch him rush to the front door of his building from the shelter of the car.

"Why did you even bother to drive?" Yamapi asks. "You could just've walked from here."

"Because I still need to get home," Kame says. "Besides, the car's...necessary." He's not sure how to explain that the car is a safety net, a getaway vehicle for their less-than-glamorous escapades. It's not his place to tell.

"Ah." Yamapi nods.

Kame searches for clues in his face and finds nothing. He and Jin can do matching blank faces together. It must be a best friends thing.

Then the question materialises. "Is there something going on with you and Jin that I'm not supposed to know about but you're doing a really bad job of keeping a secret?"

"How do you mean?" Kame squeaks.

"I know why people cuddle in the back row at the movies, Kame."

"That wasn't...uh..."

Kame can't decide. Is it better to let Yamapi assume he and Jin are a couple - which isn't true but Jin might find less awkward to deal with - or tell him the truth?

"We're not together," he hedges, "but I can see why you'd think that."

"Then why..." Yamapi brushes a finger round his eyes and mouth, mimicking a make-up brush, and Kame's stomach begins to twist itself into knots.

"You'll have to talk to Jin about it. It's not my place to tell; I'm sorry. It just might take him a while to work up the nerve, so please be patient."

"He's okay, right?"

"Okay?"

"As in, he's not about to die from some horrible fatal disease and has decided to hide how he's wasting away by dressing up like a girl?"

Kame cracks a grin for the first time since the movie started. "Then yeah, he's okay."

Yamapi grins back. "Then whatever he's got to say, and however long it takes him to say it, is fine by me."

Kame takes it as a positive sign that the radio suddenly starts playing 'Seishun Amigo'.

\-----

Yamapi sends him a mail a couple of days later: no words, only a couple of thumbs-up emoji. He gets one from Jin a few minutes afterwards, asking if he's free that evening. He's not, and the appointment's not one he can cancel, but he's got enough time for a quick phone call before he goes out.

"I told you Yamapi would be okay with it," he says by way of a greeting. "He's just sent me a thumbs-up."

"Did you tell him anything after you dropped me at home?" Jin asks.

"I told him to talk to you, that's all. Why?"

"Because he started off by informing me that even if I had a sex change we would still be best friends, and he'd kick Ryo if he tried to look up my skirt."

Kame tries to keep from laughing but the mental image is just too perfect. "I promise, I didn't say a word. What did you tell him?"

"That I wasn't planning on letting surgeons anywhere near me and that if he said one word to Ryo I'd tell everyone about the time he-" Jin cuts himself off. "You don't need to know that."

"But did you tell him _everything_?"

"I couldn't," Jin whispers, and Kame doesn't need to ask to know which parts he left out. "He thinks I'm a cross-dresser."

"You can build up to the rest," Kame says kindly. "I can be there, if you want."

"Maybe some other time. Are you busy tonight?"

"Sorry, that's what I called to say. I've got a friend's birthday party tonight and if I miss it, he'll never speak to me again."

"Would that be a friend or a _friend_?" Jin teases.

"Friend, only, and it's none of your business anyway," Kame says. "Come to the party and see for yourself, if you want."

"I think I'll be washing my hair tonight."

"Spoken like a true girl."

\-----

It's over a fortnight before they get together again. Kame wants to build on the success at the cinema by taking Jin shopping for accessories in 109, but Jin says he doesn't feel like going out and can they please just stay in and order a pizza or something?

Kame doesn't like his subdued demeanor. Jin's tucked up in the corner of the couch, knees drawn up to his chest and a blanket draped over his legs, with a face like a kicked puppy. He'd better not be infectious; Kame's got a long day ahead of him tomorrow and he really doesn't want to come down with the latest in Jin's long line of colds.

"Stop looking at me like I'm a plague victim," Jin says. "I'm not sick. You don't need to go on one of your obsessive cleaning sprees in my apartment."

"If you're lying to me I'm going to haunt you from beyond the grave." Kame sits down anyway, pushing aside the end of the blanket. Upon closer inspection Jin doesn't appear to be sick; he doesn't have the sniffles, there are no tissues in sight and there's no sign of fever. It's probably safe to stick around. "I take it the thought of shopping didn't appeal?"

Jin shakes his head. "I need to ask your advice on something, and that's impossible in a crowd."

It sounds more serious than a wardrobe disaster, so Kame's content to let it wait until the food arrives and they're both one beer down. They make small talk in the meantime, catching up on each other's lives and those of mutual friends. Jin's been busy lately, enough that Kame sometimes doesn't get a reply to his mails until a couple of days after sending them.

Once Jin starts to explain his problem, Kame understands why.

"I've been seeing this girl for about three weeks," he begins. "She was the photographer on one of the shoots I did a while back, and then we saw each other again at a friend's party and..." He spreads his hands flat on the blanket. "We've been going out a lot lately. Last night she invited me back to her place afterwards."

"Did you go?"

"I wanted to. I knew what would happen if I did. I knew, she knew, we were both cool with it - and I couldn't."

"They sell stuff to help with that now, you know."

Jin gives him a dirty look. "That wasn't what I meant. I didn't even get to that stage because I didn't go with her. It felt like...like I would've been lying to her, if I did."

Kame chews a mouthful of pizza while he considers this. By nature Jin is a very blunt, forthright person. Deception doesn't come easy to him. "You've been with girls since you started feeling like this, haven't you? It's been years."

"Yeah, but before...it didn't matter because I was the only one who knew, and I couldn't figure out any way to live with it so I just suppressed everything. And the kind of girls I like are usually pretty happy to take the lead in bed. I've never been good with that."

"And do you think this one would've been different?"

"Maybe, maybe not, but I sort of feel like I should tell her. What if things get serious? If not with her, what about with someone else? There isn't really a good point in a relationship to say to your girlfriend, 'Oh, by the way, not only do I like to wear girls' clothing sometimes and enjoy having pretty hair, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't expect too much in the way of manly behaviour from me'."

"Your hair isn't that pretty right now," Kame says. "You should grow it again.

"And no, there isn't a good point. You can either tell people from the start and let them make up their own minds about whether or not you're too much work, or you can wait till you're both invested in the relationship and could potentially get hurt. There's no easy solution, Jin."

Jin's blue-striped socks twitch where they're sticking out from the blanket. "I don't want to get hurt."

"Then if you feel you need to tell this girl you should do it while you don't have much to lose." Kame feels almost cruel saying it so bluntly, but this is a decision only Jin can make.

"But telling people is..." Jin takes a sip of beer and fixes his gaze steadily on Kame. "Have you told your family?"

"About you?"

"No, about you. That you like guys."

They haven't spoken about it directly before and Kame feels his face grow warm. "There hasn't been much point yet," he says as lightly as he can. "It's not like I've had much chance to date - I spend ninety per cent of my time at work and the rest trying to sort out your life. I always thought if I met someone I liked enough to want to take them home to my family, that I'd tell them then.

"Why, thinking about telling your family?"

"Maybe. I think my mum would be okay with it - though she'd probably try to dress me up - but my dad and Reio...I don't know. What does your dad say when he sees you in all your girly high fashion stuff?"

"My dad borrows my clothes," Kame says. "So I don't think he's much good for a comparison."

Jin almost chokes on his pizza, laughing at that one. "But do you think your family would be okay with it?"

"They're my family and they love me - I have to trust that they love me enough to overcome any prejudices they may have. And given how I turned out, I don't think they're likely to disown me if I suddenly bring a boyfriend home. Your family aren't exactly sticklers for regulation either; I know they'll always love you and feel proud of you no matter what."

"Probably." Jin gives him a weak smile. "I just don't want to screw things up. I only get one shot at this."

"As long as you're willing to talk, you can take as many shots as you want." Kame thinks of Jin's 'INP' and grins. "Though if you take too many shots you won't be capable of speech after a while..."

They finish the pizza without ever reaching a conclusion, and Kame receives a mail from Jin the following week to say the girlfriend is now the ex-girlfriend. Since the mail doesn't sound either miserable or panicked he assumes this means Jin never told her anything.

All goes quiet for a while as KAT-TUN occupy themselves preparing for their tour and Jin spends half his time in the studio. He's in more news shows now, though, either talking about his album plans or his upcoming single collaboration, and Kame can't help but notice some subtle changes in his appearance. One day he's wearing a pale pink T-shirt that slides off one shoulder; another day he's painted every other nail fire engine red. His hair's regained some length and it curls down towards his shoulders, framing his face with gentle curves.

Kame's pleased that Jin's taking steps to help himself. If he keeps making gradual changes, he can mold his image into anything he wants.

He thinks Jin may have gone one step too far, however, when he shows up at the NHK Studio with his hair pinned up in a messy bun and wearing more make-up than anyone else in the dressing room.

"We've already finished filming _Shounen Club_ ," Nakamaru says, completely ignoring the fact that Jin's standing in the doorway with his mouth wide open, wearing a long-sleeved white tunic over his jeans. "Were you supposed to be on it too?"

"I...I thought it was just supposed to be Kame on the show today," Jin stammers.

"That was _Shounen Club Premium_ ," Kame says. "Try to keep up."

"And while you're at it, close the door," Koki adds. "Some of us are still trying to change."

Jin manages to prise himself away from the doorframe and takes a seat next to Kame, who finds it hilarious that he's receiving no reaction whatsoever. But all of KAT-TUN are dressed up for the show, and Jin doesn't look _too_ different from his former bandmates. They probably assume he's working too.

"What are you doing here?" Kame mutters. "Especially dressed like that."

"I panicked and you were the first person I thought of."

"Were they trying to make you talk in front of cameras again?" Junno asks, giving Jin a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. He blinks when he encounters the tunic.

"I'm not working today," Jin says.

Ueda comes over to inspect him. "Then why are you dressed like that?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out," Kame says impatiently. "Jin, how did you get here?"

"I walked."

"Wearing women's clothing?" Koki says. "Because I know that top's not for men. My neighbour's got a teenage daughter and she wears hers all the time."

"Yes, wearing women's clothing. I was shopping in Shibuya Mark City, all right?"

Jin's shaking, and Kame's not sure if it's because he's frustrated by the questions, overwhelmed by the realisation that he's effectively outing himself to the rest of KAT-TUN, or a leftover of whatever had him abandoning his shopping trip to find Kame. He scoots closer to Jin, bumping their hips together, and that seems to help a little.

"Shopping," Jin repeats. "That's when I bought the tunic. I already had my hair up. And then there was a booth doing make-up demos and when I stopped to look, I sort of got roped into it."

"It happens to all of us," Ueda says, with a face that says don't ask for details if you value your life.

"It doesn't happen to me," Nakamaru says. "I get handwash demonstrations."

Koki brightens with sudden understanding. "That explains a lot, actually..."

"So you were all dressed up," Kame says, trying to keep them on track. "What then?"

"Have you ever run into two of your ex-girlfriends at the same time, while looking much girlier than either of them?"

Uncomfortable silence falls over the room as everyone stops to contemplate the horror of Jin's situation.

"And that's when I freaked out and left," he finishes.

"Great story," Koki says. "I have to tell it next time I'm on _Music Station_. It's too good not to share."

Jin smiles sweetly at him. "Try it and I'll rip out your tongue piercing. You won't be telling any stories then."

Nakamaru makes calming hand gestures. "There's no need to go that far. Jin, I know it's embarrassing but it's not the end of the world."

"It is if they start talking about it," Jin says, voice soft. "Guys, this is a really big deal for me."

"Just imagine you're a Junior," Ueda says. "Or Kame. He gets caught looking like a total girl all the time and it doesn't seem to do his reputation any harm. You can laugh it off."

"Take it like a man," Junno advises. Jin aims a kick at his ankle.

"Jin's right about it being a big deal for him," Kame says.

Koki starts snickering. "In case they think he likes it or something?" When Jin and Kame both stare at him in silence, he stops laughing. "He does like it?"

The two-person seat Kame and Jin are sharing seems to shrink as their world reduces in size under the collective stares of Junno, Koki, Ueda and Nakamaru. Kame hasn't even done anything and he's feeling hot and bothered by the attention; he can only imagine how it must feel to Jin.

"Can we talk about this later?" Jin's bun is starting to come undone; stray wisps of dark, wavy hair stick out at all angles. "It's a little stuffy in here."

It's nothing of the sort, but Kame knows what he means. "Let me finish changing and we can go," he says. "I drove today."

"Can I have your car keys?" Jin gasps. "I'll see you there."

Kame hands them to him, gives him directions to the car, and he all but runs out of the room, shopping bags in hand.

"I pretended to go down on him on-stage, wearing high heels and a skirt," Koki says. "Does he honestly think I'm going to give him grief if he does the same thing for fun?"

"I don't know." Kame shrugs, secretly wishing Jin hadn't left him to carry the can. "I think he gives himself more grief over it."

"How long have you known about this?" Nakamaru says.

"Too long."

Kame finishes changing and arranges for the other four to come to his place later. He'll have to get Jin over there first, but that shouldn't be a problem if he's not working. Like it or not, Jin's going to have to tell them - or at least as much as he told Yamapi.

He finds Jin sitting quietly in the car, arms wrapped around himself and head bowed. Not crying, but not happy by any means. His mouth is moving and it's not until Kame slides into the driver's seat that he realises Jin's berating himself under his breath for being so stupid.

"I don't think you're being stupid at all."

Jin doesn't even lift his head to answer. "Do you have any idea how ashamed I feel right now? There's a voice in my head screaming at me for being weak, for being pathetic, for not being a proper man. And I keep telling it to shut up, over and over again, but it only works for so long."

His voice catches and that's when Kame forgets they're in a public car park and leans across to hold him. Who's going to be snapping pictures of them in the car, anyway? Jin's hair has mostly fallen down; Kame removes the last couple of slides and brushes it out with his fingers, stroking gently as Jin sags against him, gratefully accepting all the comfort he's got to give.

"First of all," Kame murmurs, "with a mother like yours you know perfectly well that being female and being weak have nothing to do with each other. As for the rest, bravery is a typical masculine trait and I think you were very brave today. How many times do I have to tell you that there's nothing wrong with being who you are? _All_ of who you are?"

"Tell me until I believe it." Jin sighs against Kame's shoulder. "That might take a while. I shouldn't have gone out like that. I thought...I thought it would be okay. That it was getting easier. And now I'm right back where I started."

"You're a long way from where you started," Kame says fiercely. "And I'm not letting you go backwards. I don't care if I have to hold your hand every step of the way but you are going to learn to live with this."

"If you hold my hand all the time I'm going to get even weirder looks," Jin cracks.

"We're idols - we're used to weird looks. Right?"

"Right."

"So next time you decide to do something like that, remember you're not doing anything wrong. You bought a nice top, you got a free make-over, and you ran into a couple of your exes. Chalk it up to experience."

"A really bad experience."

Kame slides his hand from Jin's hair down his back so he can tighten his arms around him. If words don't work, maybe he can transmit his feelings to Jin through touch. Feelings of pride, of friendship and compassion. The support that Jin needs right now.

"Then we'll just have to make sure the next time is a good experience. I'll go with you. We can treat ourselves to a pampering day - massage, facial, manicure, all that good stuff."

Jin pulls back enough to ensure his words don't get lost in Kame's shirt. "You'd really do it, wouldn't you?"

"It's not out of the ordinary for me. Anyway, you like massages as much as the next guy, so don't say you wouldn't enjoy yourself."

"But you're even more hung up on having people think you're cool than I am."

"Yeah, but my definition of 'cool' includes having confidence in yourself. You can make anything look cool if you do it confidently, whether that's hitting a home run or wearing women's sandals. If you're comfortable, you'll have that confidence and the rest follows on from there."

"I thought I was feeling comfortable," Jin says, sounding uncertain. "For a little while there, while I was sitting in the chair and the girl was working on my eyes, telling me how pretty my hair looked. And then..."

Kame smiles and pats him on the back. "It's a good start. And your hair looks lovely when it's up like that - or it did until the slides fell out. Come stay at my place tonight and I'll do it up for you again."

Jin's eyes narrow with suspicion. "If you say we're going to have a 'girls' night in' I will hit you."

"Nah, I thought we could spend all night playing video games and killing undead stuff with big guns."

"I'm in."

They swing by Jin's apartment to pick up overnight gear; Kame stays in the car and wonders, idly, if Jin wears a nightie these days. Next stop is Family Mart for snacks, though Kame receives strange looks when he buys enough for four additional people.

But it's not until the door goes that Jin realises he's been set up. They've had a pleasant evening so far, messing around with Kame's vast array of hairstyling equipment in between slaying vampires and generally pretending that the world outside doesn't exist. Then Koki shows up at the front door with a bottle of pink Dom Perignon (he says he'd been checking out fan recordings of Jin's new songs on the Internet and thought the drink would be appropriate) and the others close on his heels.

Kame plays host, gets everyone settled somewhere comfortable with something to drink and snacks close at hand, and waits for one of them to break the ice. Damned if it's going to be him this time.

It ends up being Koki. "It's cool if I get you a little black dress for your birthday, yeah?" he says to Jin.

"Only if you get me shoes to match."

Koki flashes him a grin. "You're still a spoilt brat."

"Do you really wear dresses?" Nakamaru says. "I thought you hated dressing up like that. What happened to the 'cool man' image you wanted?"

Jin shoots Kame a conspiratorial smile. "I expanded my definition of 'cool'. And no, I don't wear dresses. I don't know if that's something I'm going to get to or not, but right now I'm not interested."

"You're a lot calmer talking about this than I thought you'd be, given the way you ran out of the dressing room," Ueda says.

"We started drinking once we put the curling tongs away." Kame points to their collection of empties and Ueda nods in understanding.

"Then what _are_ you interested in?" Junno says. "Do we have to start calling you 'Jinnifer'?"

They have a confusing five minutes where Jin attempts to explain that no, he doesn't have any intention of undergoing surgery, he's not taking hormones, and that this isn't all part of an agency scheme to reach a wider audience by appealing to the transgender market. Kame lets him do all the talking on the grounds that he doesn't know how far Jin's going to take his explanation, and only steps in to assure Koki that this is not a delayed reaction to his admitting on _Shounen Club_ that Jin in a nurse's uniform makes his heart pound.

"This business can mess you up pretty bad," Koki says. "It can do a lot worse to you than make you want to look cute."

"I don't even know if it's that," Jin says. "In another life I could be a salaryman with a wife and two young kids, who dresses up like Madonna on weekends."

Nakamaru looks disgusted. "Please tell me you don't dress up like Madonna because I will lose all the respect I ever had for you."

Kame bursts out laughing. "He doesn't dress like Madonna. He's kind of conservative, actually. More of a tomboy than a starlet."

"Way to be classy like none of these hoes, Akanishi." Koki grabs a handful of herby crackers from the bowl. "So do you want to pass as a girl, or what?"

He's taking this rather well, Kame thinks, and then remembers that to the best of his knowledge, Koki's the only one of them who's ever dated a transgender person. It didn't work out, but that's still more experience than the others probably have.

"I don't want to pass," Jin says with slow, careful enunciation so there's no chance he'll be misunderstood. "I might be able to, if I worked on it, but it's not like I want to live full-time as a girl or anything. I like being a guy, I just..."

"You just like being a guy with benefits," Koki says. "Girly ones."

Jin stares at him blankly. "How do you know?"

"If you add up all the performances you and I have had more fake sex together than some couples have had real sex. I know you, Jin. We all do."

It's got to be nerve-wracking, being in Jin's position right now. Kame watches him closely for any sign that he's about to repeat the episode from the car and feels relieved when he gives Koki an embarrassed smile, more shy than spooked.

"So it's not just the clothes?" Ueda says. "What about girls? Or do you prefer guys now?"

"I still like girls," Jin says, and Kame's amused to see every other guy in the room relax their shoulders. "But it's not a good idea for me to date anyone at the moment. It's too complicated. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it myself."

"What do you..." Junno hesitates, then rephrases. He's said the least, sitting quietly in his corner, and Kame hopes this isn't going to be a problem. "How do you want us to treat you?"

"The same way you've always done," Jin says frankly. "I'm not asking any of you to change."

"But you are." Nakamaru's quick to contradict him. "You're asking us to look at you as someone else."

"Not as someone else," Kame says. "Jin's still the same person he's always been - only now he's working on being more of himself than he was before. Can you understand that?"

"I'm not sure I can understand it," Junno says. "But he's my friend, so I'm trying." He beams at Jin. "You're still working on understanding it too, right? So let's figure it out together."

Nakamaru sighs. "It doesn't make much sense to me, but nothing Jin's done has _ever_ made sense to me. I'm still trying to get over his naked AnAn shoot."

"I knew I was on to something when I said it looked like two girls," Koki crows.

"And what about you?" Jin says to Ueda.

"Just promise me you won't wear leggings."

Jin spends the rest of the evening trying to answer questions that Kame's fairly sure he has no definite answer to, but the important thing is that he's speaking freely on the subject. He's with friends, with people who've known him for years and have seen him in leopard-print swimsuits, and freaking out over insects, and being made to blush by Haruna Ai. They've all had experiences out of the realms of possibility for anyone living a "normal" life, and that helps them see things from a slightly different viewpoint. Maybe they'll never be comfortable enough with it to want to involve themselves to the extent that Kame does, but for now it's enough that Jin knows they don't think badly of him for it.

Koki's the last to leave, and as he does so he offers to play escort from time to time if Jin wants someone to go with him when he's dressed up in public.

"But only if you look respectable," he adds. "I've got a reputation to protect."

Jin smirks. "Not like you'd do my reputation any favours either. Do I look like the kind of girl who hangs out with bikers?"

"You've got a motorbike yourself," Kame points out. "Stop being such a hypocrite."

Koki bumps fists with them both on the way out. Since the _Shounen Club_ filming that afternoon, every other fingernail has been painted red.

\-----

Kame wakes up the next morning on his own couch, having relinquished the bed to Jin, and discovers he's already left. There's a note on the table saying he's gone to see Yamapi and he'll call later.

It had better go well. Kame thinks it will, but if it doesn't, it'll set Jin back again and undo all the progress of last night. He checks his phone periodically throughout the day, in case he's missed a call or email, but it's almost ten at night before Jin phones.

"Did you tell him this time?" Kame asks. "How did he take it?"

"Um...not as well as Koki. I think he's a little weirded out because we used to live together, so now he's wondering...well..."

"Should I mail him and say it's not contagious?"

Jin's high-pitched giggle has Kame putting the phone on speaker and setting it down on the dresser so his eardrums don't burst. "I think he got that, eventually. And the clothing, he can understand. But he's having some trouble wrapping his head around the idea that his male best friend feels not-very-manly sometimes."

"Give him time," Kame says. "It's a lot to get used to."

"You managed well enough."

"My view of gender is more fluid than his, I think. You don't have to pick a point on the scale and stick to it. Everyone changes. Why you change, how you change and how you deal with it - that's your business, and sometimes you don't have much choice. You take whatever hand life deals you and do what you can with it."

"What happens if you discard a card, pick up another one and find you've completely ruined your hand?"

Kame smiles down at his new phone wallpaper, a close-up of the two of them from last night. He'd had to take it himself, so the angle's unflattering and Jin's not even looking at the camera because he's laughing so hard, but it's a nice picture, Jin with his hair up and Kame with a lipstick smear on his chin, both of them happy and having fun. It might be the best shot taken of them together in years, and it gives Kame hope.

"Then you throw the entire deck out the window," he says, "and start a new game."


End file.
